Hen’s on Tour… Or should that be the floor?


Willies, willies and more bloody willies, surrounding us everywhere. Big ones, small ones, plastic ones and rubber ones. Fat ones, walking ones and even blimmin’ talking ones.

They really don’t lie when they tell you that they come in all different shapes and sizes, do they?

Willies are all that I can really remember. Everything else is a little hazy, but I guess having a wide variety of man-meat around you all night kind of sticks firmly in ones mind, doesn’t it? Right now, I can’t even make eye contact with the bananas that are currently occupying my fruit bowl without feeling a little squeamish.

All I wanted to do was create the perfect Hen Night for Hannah and it turned into an absolute cockfest. Not that any of us were really complaining about it at the time. Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say we were enjoying ourselves a little too much. Looking back, right now I can only hope that it’s actually what she wanted and that I haven’t scared her and turned her off cock for life. I’m pretty sure Daniel would have quite a few colourful words to say to me when his manhood gets neglected.

You see, my best friend and partner in crime Hannah is getting married. She’s actually growing up and sealing the deal, doing the deed or whatever you want to call it, but it’s happening and soon. In all honestly I couldn’t be happier for her, she’s waited for this day to arrive since we were tiny and playing mums with our dolls.

Oh, how life was so much simpler back then when all we had to worry about was whether or not it was time to feed baby Annabelle.

However, throughout all of this excitement there seems to be one little problem. Scrap that, who I am I kidding? It’s not little, it’s bloody huge. The selfish cow only went and asked me to be her maid of bloody honour. Now to her, watching me breakdown into a blubbering mess clearly meant that I was over the moon and couldn’t have been happier that she’d chosen me, me of all people, to take on the responsibility of playing such an important role; when in actual truth my beautifully and attractive snot bubbles were nothing more than a sign of pure nerve-wracking, crippling fear slowly juddering through my body.

Why would she do this to me… Why?

Now, not only do I have to stand up in front of hundreds of people, some I know and others I don’t while trying my best to look pretty and act normal, but I’m also responsible for the Hen Night and to ensure everything runs bloody smoothly…

As you can imagine, I’m absolutely ecstatic with this!

So, after giving myself a couple of kicks up the arse and consuming numerous bottles of wine, I decided to dig out my big girl pants and plan the Hen Night of all Hen Nights.

But, let me to tell you… Nothing and I mean nothing prepared me for the night that lay ahead.

To be continued…

Love, Lucy x


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